Tag Archives: mindfulness

Rediscovering Truth

IMG_1001If we are being honest, the truth isn’t always something easy to unveil.

One of the main lies I believed most of my life was that I was never enough.

Until today God is still helping me discover where those lies reside.

Hmm. The reality is that OUR God brings light into the darkness.

He is able to see what we can not.

I had an encounter with my campus pastors recently.

It wasn’t planned for either of us.

But I am sure it was a godsend.

I’ve been carrying this weight on me since I was five years old.

It’s a heavyweight but it led me to believe that I will never be enough or deserve anything more than to be used.

Since I was five years old I sexually molested by different people some close and some without a face.

I wanted desperately for my voice to matter but the reality was when I spoke up it felt as if no one was listening.

I remained silent and afraid. Allowing people to narrate my story.

Talking about the clothes I was wearing dictating the way I was mistreated.

It brings tears to my eyes knowing how I was treated by not only my perpetrator but by the people who questioned me.

They lacked compassion and ability to empathize.

They placed blame so heavy that my heart sank and voice became silent.

My close friend describes this as the darkest state of my life.

I wish I could say it only lasted for a minute but for an entire year, my body would cringe around any man who looked the way he did.

My heart was so heavy with all the men who didn’t respect my boundaries.

It’s no wonder when I thought of a future I couldn’t see one.

I write this not to glorify the pain but to show you the beauty of the God we serve.

My God is so patient that his grace, patience and kindness is gently leading me into love.

My pastor simply prayed over me that I, Gods daughter would embrace the new life he has for me.

I didn’t disclose any of this information to her about my experience with being taken advantage of.

But on multiple occasions, people have commented on my character because of the God in me.

I was once told the spirit of the Lord became stronger when I walked into the room.

In my dismay, I felt alone but I really wasn’t.

I get this image of looking at our circumstances and being so discouraged.

Well our God is looking and work at the most vital part of who we are.

God was working on my heart so that in the long run I wouldn’t be discouraged.

I remember when I was told that the spirit of the Lord became stronger when I walked into the room.

I cried because I felt his protection even though things outwardly didn’t seem pleasant my heart still belongs to him.

We all have something we are meant to rediscover.

The reality is that our God never leaves us.

When we look outside at external he is looking at internals because he knows that matters.

Isaiah 40:31 … But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear. for I am with you; do not be dismayed, For I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I love how in the two scriptures mentioned above the Lord is looking at renewing strength. Because we aren’t mean to grow weary or to live in fear.

Sometimes when bad things happen we look at the outside and focus on only that. When we rediscover truth it’s allowing God to bring peace and clarity to your identity.

You see I was never alone. But I believed it.

I was never afraid but I believed that too.

Today God has redefined and is defining my every step and thought.

I do see a future now, but in order for me to see that I had to give God access.

My Prayer myself and others is that even though life isn’t always great our God is. I pray that we let him in more and more so that he can heal and restore. Every part that feels broken and unloveable. My prayer is that we as a God seeking generation seek God underneath it all and through it. I love you God and I trust you even when I can’t see what you are doing. And for whoever reads this I pray that you understand God more fully, more genuinely I pray whatever lie you believe that God brings LIGHT to that. That chains be broken and hearts be restored in the name of Jesus. Amen.

I love you guys but God loves you more.

You’re the Only One

Last May, I wrote a post titled  the greatest love letter of my life in it I ended with the following

If I could give you one thing to replace all the many things it would be a mirror so you can truly see what it is you look like .

At the time I had no idea what I looked like.

I wrote that only a few short months after I decided that I had no hope.

I remember sitting at a coffee shop a lot like the one I am sitting at right now telling God that if he didn’t do something I would be “done.” No plan for a future whatsoever.

I use the word done to describe the place and state of mind I was at, but it might be downplaying the state of hopeless my heart was in.

I had no emotion, no connection to people or to life.

I didn’t share that with anyone either.

I sat with that feeling, but internally I might have been more afraid than I let on to be.

I have never felt so disengaged in my life.

I also didn’t realize at the time I gave God the power to take over my life.

At the time I had no plans for the future

Luckily God did…

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

I asked God in the middle my struggle to do something because I couldn’t do anything.

The reality is I’ve learned that God does not give his heart in pieces.

I still have no idea where it is God is taking me but today he has taken me to this moment to reflect and share that he is there in it all, and through it all.

I can’t possibly express in one post all that he has done in this time. He has tested me and given me obedience. In ways I couldn’t possibly have imagined.

Finding Love

I’m beginning to learn who I am and more each day .

You know it really wasn’t until I started reading the Bible that I truly began to find freedom.

Throughout the day I find myself asking God to search my heart .

I find myself asking why am I so quick to emotions .

Honestly I’ve just been asking for a lot of guidance lately.

As I am doing this God is revealing more and more about my heart to me.

I never would have thought that my heart would be healed and my mind would be renewed .

I mean that’s what happens when you pray.

I prayed so much and I don’t even think I believed wholeheartedly that it would be done .

Yet, with that mustard seed faith he came through .

Today I am a believer because thats who he made me to be.

He gave me his all when I was reluctant to pursue him .

He stayed faithfully and I need to do the same .

He has firmly grounded me and makes me unshakable .

He has made me optimistic and eager to serve him.

He has held me close and comforted me in my pain .

I fall in love with him more and more each day .

Finding him wasn’t and isn’t easy.

I constantly have these moments where I wrestle with the truth and the lies.

In those moments I continue to press into him because he is where I put my trust and my faith.

You see God does so much for us if we ask him.

If we stay at the same level of asking him though we won’t grow.

I’m asking God to go to places I’ve never welcomed anyone Before .

I know that’s a dangerous prayer , but I don’t want to live a life where my faith doesn’t grow.

He has rewired so much within me I need to continue to grow with him.

Time and time again I have to remind myself not to compare the pace in which I am building my relationship with Christ to other people relationship with him.

I’ve come to understand that due to the fact that we all have different experiences in life we will all have a different relationship with God.

The beauty in knowing that is knowing that he will meet us where we are at.

That’s comforting.

I think being honest is the hardest part about it all but if we aren’t honest then we are ashamed.

Shame is such an interesting topic but for now to say the least if we are ashamed we are not living in love.

And the biggest thing about your relationship with God is the foundation is love, patience and kindness.

When we begin the realize that.

We are truly letting him into uncharted territory.

Brace yourself for a life of love.

Rewired: Give yourself permission to fall in love.

Giving God permission is not for God it’s for you.

I have to ask myself where do I begin and I believe that we need to begin with permission slips.

Yes, I’m taking us back to elementary school here but the truth is we don’t invite God in enough.

Let me say that once more…

We don’t invite God in enough.

I can recall moments throughout 2018, where I could have drawn closer to God but instead, I withdrew completely.

Though, I needed him I choose differently.

Reflecting on that now, I believe it was out of fear that I didn’t choose him.

Interestingly, out of fear we should choose him.

I say that because I am afraid of what life looks like without him.

I know that without him I am not a lot of things but because of him I have love, strength, purpose, hope, faith, and a direction.

Not choosing him time after time left me feeling completely shattered desperately searching for something tangible.

I was searching in all the wrong places still feeling empty in the end.

I always felt alone.

My heart was closed off.

I loved people more than I loved myself.

I loved people more than I loved God.

I spoke to people more than I spoke to God.

Clearly, my hope and my faith were not in God but in man.

This was a big realization for me and I believe that in my walk with Christ this insight will help me check not only my motives but my emotions.

What does giving God permission to look like for a believer?

For a person who is lost without direction.

For a person who believes they are broken beyond repair.

For a person who constantly feels like they are less than or inadequate.

For a person who feels left out more than they feel included.

Giving God permission is the equivalent to…

Giving yourself permission to find direction, to be healed, to know you are enough, and to belong.

What I am describing is not some utopian type world but it’s the life you choose when you choose to give God complete access.

Which really means Giving yourself permission to put God first to grant him complete access to your mind, body, and spirit.

I say this often times in my groups, as a peer counselor… I never challenge anyone to go anywhere that I have never been.

A part of my rewiring process had to do with intentionally asking God to come into those places that I was the most afraid of restoration.

As I was worshiping this last Friday I had this image of God carrying me from 2018 to 2019. I began to tear up a bit.

You see last year I would often find myself going to a place that I didn’t belong after services.

I would have this back-and-forth conversation with God like I hear you, but I’m still going to do what I want to do anyway.

I gave myself permission to do things that didn’t align with my heart.

At the end that hurt me the most.

I was always disappointed in myself.

Every time I chose my way I would in inadvertently reinforce the belief system that made me feel so less than and not good enough.

That same belief system made me believe that God would never be able to make me whole, joyful, or peaceful.

I would never be enough.

I would never belong.

I would never truly believe because if I did why did I keep choosing a life that didn’t align with my heart.

In 2018, I asked God to come in my heart more.

The conversation wasn’t simple either.

I didn’t just say Dear God, Please come into my heart Amen.

That wasn’t real to me.

It wasn’t deep enough for me.

I needed to press into God.

These areas I needed him to come into were broken for years now a two-second prayer wouldn’t do it for me…

He is able to do anything and that prayer would work…

But for me I needed something real, I needed something deeper.

I needed to go where I was afraid with him.

God carried me into the new year saying that life is not yours.

I cried because I saw him carry me away from the life I once lived.

The same life that made me hopeless.

He carried me away from a broken road and gave me love, joy, hope, purpose to say the least.

My life has direction.

I seek him daily and I am working on seeking him more in daily moments.

I noticed that for me in order to have a breakthrough I need to intentionally invite God into the places I am afraid of.

Once again getting rewired is really about allowing God to create a new in you.

Just a warning…It requires us to fall in love. Give yourself permission to be loved and made whole. Stay the course and allow him to do the navigating. But speak to him. Press in deep enough for a longlasting connection. Don’t be superficial he wants more for us than fake connection. Allow for real intimacy with him. Invite him in.

 

 

Wholeheartedly,

Evo

δύναμη- Rewired

The first word is a greek translation of strength. I came across this word this last year as I prepared a short devo. I had no idea that I would soon be tested on the topic in which I had to discuss. It’s interesting how that happens. The topic I specifically spoke about was even though… meaning even though things happen God is able. I think when I first spoke about it I didn’t understand it as much as I understand it today. See the rewired part of this post comes from what God is able to do if you ask him. I always want to caution people that prayer is powerful and to be careful what you pray for. Over the last two year I prayed for wholeness, and for barriers to be broken. Today I find God using me in ways I never thought possible, restoring places I thought were long broken. I’ve learned more tangibly what it’s like to trust God even though things around you can convince you not to.  I’ve had to seek comfort in the greatest comforter of all and feel rested and hopeful. That’s something I never had before but I became hopeful the day I asked him for strength and began to embrace who I am made to be. The Rewired process is so important to me and growth with God because its changing everything I’ve ever known to be true and replacing it with his truth. I remember process for me I was worshipping when I began to feel unworthy of worshipping God. I had to fight that feeling because it kept me from worshiping. I remember listening to the lyrics and really pressing into the meaning proclaiming God’s goodness and my identity in him.  Finding her strength is about finding her identity in Christ and allowing the rewire to slowly happen. I am still working on the set up of the blog but Finding Her Dýnami is really just a love story about how God seriously goes to places for you and with you. I don’t have a roadmap entirely but I do have tips on how to let God in more when you have a difficult time doing it for whatever reason. Read if you want. I just promise you that I’ll always be honest and transparent.

 

I cried until I laughed

I cried until I laughed because I was so uncomfortable with that moment.

In that moment I knew I was a mess, I knew I was broken and honestly it was something to laugh about because for so long I tried to fix that. I’m some what of an emotion perfectionist (pretty sure it’s not a word, so don’t look it up). You see what an emotion perfectionist tends to do is manipulate their emotions. The tricky thing about emotion perfectionist is they feel that because they know what the emotion is they should be able to fix it.  I’ve been doing this for years now. If I had to describe my emotion cycle into phases it would look a little something like this:

Phase 1: Survival Mode, there’s not really time for emotions.

Phase 2: Oh Crap, I have emotions.

Phase 3: Emotions hurt, I need to figure things out.

Phase 4: Is there an off switch? Or an answer key.

Phase 5: but wait, there’s help if you ask for it.

There’s probably a warning sign that comes with this phase cycle. Warning: phases may occur all at once or not at all in a short matter of time.  I went through Phase 3, 4, 5 in the span of two days and normally I would try to control even that detail. What I realized throughout the cycle is that over time who I asked for help changed. Before and still at times I used to lean on others and that’s okay but if your comfort comes from others alone then it won’t be a long-term solution (no offense).  To be honest I also think that’s were a lot of my pain stems from. As a child I always felt left out, unloved, abandoned, and not worthy. Multiple aspects of my life deeply embedded that into my viewpoint. When I became a believer and follower of Christ, I doubted that he would be able to heal me. It hurt so much to worship because I believed I wasn’t worthy of it. But still he stood by me the entire time.

At church this morning our pastor talked about what love is… and as a note I put why does it hurt to love people so much… it’s because I didn’t feel the love I give to others and at times that could be hard… In the hours to come, I felt his warm powerful embrace.

Today I cried, a lot but it was more because he broke down a wall that’s never been broken. I laughed because when I felt his love and hope even in my brokenness, I felt like he was saying it’s about time.It was a beautiful moment filled laughter and release of so much hurt built up from all these years. I knew it was because he really wanted me to feel his presence and he didn’t want it to be a  sad thing  he just wanted it to be intimate. I love a good laugh and a good cry.

I also saw this scripture today on the sweater of a woman that I felt I had to look up.

Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV)

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

 

 

 

Our emotions. His purpose. My objective

It’s interesting to see how emotions run every single one of us.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of thoughts and emotions lately.

I find it interesting that though I know how to manage my thoughts, at times they still get me.

I’ve been inviting God into those moments, because I know that what I am feeling isn’t his objective.

He’s been calling me to serve, yet I’m feeling as if I am not good enough.

It’s weird because I almost feel as if I heard someone say that I was fake.

For a minute I began to think they were talking about me.

I began to feel insecure.

The very next day I had convinced myself that another person of the group felt the same way because they walked right past me.

Like that the place I felt comfortable became the place I didn’t belong.

To be honest that hurt.

I wish I would have realized that regardless of the reality of the situation, God wants me to choose him.

I think that by overhearing a conversation that was or wasn’t intended for me. I realized the power of words, more so than before.

However I also realized that in my pain and hurt God wants me to choose him first.

I did choose him in this situation but after two days of being in my feelings.

If I’d choose God first more, things would change.

My emotions wouldn’t run me but God would.

He takes my emotions and experiences and gives them purpose.

In 1 Peter 1 exiles had be chosen to be used by God. They endured a lot. They were given something new and good. God didn’t go and erase what they had gone through but he gave what they have gone through a purpose. Their purpose was to show how good God is in the mist of those trials.

What we go through in life is about ups and downs. But there is something beautiful about God being in both parts. I have fallen before and not realized that he is everywhere so the rebuilding process looked a lot like me struggling to get back up. While getting up with God is like having a really good friend there to listen and help you make sense of things.

Though people may lose it all at times.It is good to know that God is with us. He rebuilds, and restores.

I reflected on that a few days ago no matter how big the trial or how small it may seem choose God first and he will guide you through the trial.

Prayer:

Dear God, thank you for staying by side until I was able to see that were there waiting for me to choose you first. Thank you being patient as I learn to seek you everyday. The new you are giving me is beautiful God I am not sure I would be able to live without it. I pray that I just continue to constantly seek you in everything that is good and everything that is bad. I love you, amen.