If we are being honest, the truth isn’t always something easy to unveil.
One of the main lies I believed most of my life was that I was never enough.
Until today God is still helping me discover where those lies reside.
Hmm. The reality is that OUR God brings light into the darkness.
He is able to see what we can not.
I had an encounter with my campus pastors recently.
It wasn’t planned for either of us.
But I am sure it was a godsend.
I’ve been carrying this weight on me since I was five years old.
It’s a heavyweight but it led me to believe that I will never be enough or deserve anything more than to be used.
Since I was five years old I sexually molested by different people some close and some without a face.
I wanted desperately for my voice to matter but the reality was when I spoke up it felt as if no one was listening.
I remained silent and afraid. Allowing people to narrate my story.
Talking about the clothes I was wearing dictating the way I was mistreated.
It brings tears to my eyes knowing how I was treated by not only my perpetrator but by the people who questioned me.
They lacked compassion and ability to empathize.
They placed blame so heavy that my heart sank and voice became silent.
My close friend describes this as the darkest state of my life.
I wish I could say it only lasted for a minute but for an entire year, my body would cringe around any man who looked the way he did.
My heart was so heavy with all the men who didn’t respect my boundaries.
It’s no wonder when I thought of a future I couldn’t see one.
I write this not to glorify the pain but to show you the beauty of the God we serve.
My God is so patient that his grace, patience and kindness is gently leading me into love.
My pastor simply prayed over me that I, Gods daughter would embrace the new life he has for me.
I didn’t disclose any of this information to her about my experience with being taken advantage of.
But on multiple occasions, people have commented on my character because of the God in me.
I was once told the spirit of the Lord became stronger when I walked into the room.
In my dismay, I felt alone but I really wasn’t.
I get this image of looking at our circumstances and being so discouraged.
Well our God is looking and work at the most vital part of who we are.
God was working on my heart so that in the long run I wouldn’t be discouraged.
I remember when I was told that the spirit of the Lord became stronger when I walked into the room.
I cried because I felt his protection even though things outwardly didn’t seem pleasant my heart still belongs to him.
We all have something we are meant to rediscover.
The reality is that our God never leaves us.
When we look outside at external he is looking at internals because he knows that matters.
Isaiah 40:31 … But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear. for I am with you; do not be dismayed, For I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I love how in the two scriptures mentioned above the Lord is looking at renewing strength. Because we aren’t mean to grow weary or to live in fear.
Sometimes when bad things happen we look at the outside and focus on only that. When we rediscover truth it’s allowing God to bring peace and clarity to your identity.
You see I was never alone. But I believed it.
I was never afraid but I believed that too.
Today God has redefined and is defining my every step and thought.
I do see a future now, but in order for me to see that I had to give God access.
My Prayer myself and others is that even though life isn’t always great our God is. I pray that we let him in more and more so that he can heal and restore. Every part that feels broken and unloveable. My prayer is that we as a God seeking generation seek God underneath it all and through it. I love you God and I trust you even when I can’t see what you are doing. And for whoever reads this I pray that you understand God more fully, more genuinely I pray whatever lie you believe that God brings LIGHT to that. That chains be broken and hearts be restored in the name of Jesus. Amen.
I love you guys but God loves you more.