Surrendering it​ all.

What a concept… to surrender it all.

I think of what it entails for me personally and if I am being really honest… it’s everything.

There’s so much I’ve half-heartedly given to God and it sucks knowing I could do more.

How do I die to the flesh?

Have I not been a good keeper of my testimony?

I know I could have done more to protect certain aspects of it.

I think of my addictions and how at times I have stumbled.

The reality is I believed the lies I recited to myself over and over again.

Not realizing I was on a roundabout road.

Some of the lies I believed were:

It’s only one hit, It won’t get me high.

Or it’s only one more cigarette or one more drink.

Or one more night, or one more day.

Or even one more meal.

I think of all these choices I’ve made with my life.

Honestly, I’d be a bigger mess if it wasn’t for His grace.

I am not saying His grace allows me to draw near to sin or even dance with it, but I am saying His grace really can bring us away from the sin that entangles us.

His grace has the power to break lifelong chains.

Have I been receiving His grace with the wrong mentality?

Is that what we as believers get wrong in our walks?

Is that what keeps us from being one with the spirit?

Is that what keeps us from living in true freedom?

I’ve asked a lot of questions for sure but in order to surrender we need to see how we fall.

Sometimes that means asking a lot of questions.

I don’t have it all figured out but I have the mentality of learning from my mistakes so here goes my approach.

Step 1: Ask Questions

When surrendering we need to ask questions as to what makes us fall? Why do we fall? Why do we keep falling? Why is that we aren’t making the changes necessary for a true breakthrough? What’s holding us back.

I believe that we also need to know what our breakthrough looks like… Like what are we expecting our breakthrough to look like?

The reason for expecting is it keeps us our eye on the prize.

Step 1 is super important in the aspect of reflecting with God allows Him to show us. Once he shows us we have the ability to ask Him for help.

I believe sometimes we know which direction to take but give in because it’s easier than putting one foot in front of the other.

Which leads me to step 2… come up with a solution. (Lesson learned: the solution never only has one variable)

Step 2 requires action. Once we ask these questions we need to have a plan. It’s simple but we miss the main ingredient to any significant change. As a result of missing the main ingredient we most often times find ourself back to step 1.

We need to have faith.

Our faith can start small but needs to grow with our testimony.

Faith grows through perseverance.

Prayer is a way of inviting God into your problem.

Pray consistently.

One and done is not the way when dying to the flesh.

We constantly need to be grounded.

Step 3 travel lightly.

God gave us grace for a reason. Referring back to the beginning I am not saying that we should abuse the gift given to us. However, we should understand that accepting grace allows us to let go of past hurt, pain, shame, and so much more (think about what it lets you let go of and why you might need it when surrendering it all.)

Step 4 pray without ceasing.

Honestly, one of my biggest realizations is that some sins entangled us in a way that we might not even realize that it’s sin.

So let’s keep this in mind: anything that tries keeps us from God needs to be prayed about.

This isn’t only things that we do but also ways of thinking.

Thoughts can become actions if we are left unguarded.

Our last step combines all the previous steps together.

Step 5: fight with the authority

Authority is only given to us if we are aligned with God’s will.

I think it’s important to understand that we constantly need to keep fighting.

The enemy is always at work.

What matters most in the world that we have a heart so after God…we can’t stop fighting.

Do not be discouraged.

My prayer for us is that we keep searching for a deeper more intimate relationship with God.

That surrendering it all be a lifestyle, not just a phase.

I hope this helps you in your journey.

Shalom, my friends.


Rediscovering Truth

IMG_1001If we are being honest, the truth isn’t always something easy to unveil.

One of the main lies I believed most of my life was that I was never enough.

Until today God is still helping me discover where those lies reside.

Hmm. The reality is that OUR God brings light into the darkness.

He is able to see what we can not.

I had an encounter with my campus pastors recently.

It wasn’t planned for either of us.

But I am sure it was a godsend.

I’ve been carrying this weight on me since I was five years old.

It’s a heavyweight but it led me to believe that I will never be enough or deserve anything more than to be used.

Since I was five years old I sexually molested by different people some close and some without a face.

I wanted desperately for my voice to matter but the reality was when I spoke up it felt as if no one was listening.

I remained silent and afraid. Allowing people to narrate my story.

Talking about the clothes I was wearing dictating the way I was mistreated.

It brings tears to my eyes knowing how I was treated by not only my perpetrator but by the people who questioned me.

They lacked compassion and ability to empathize.

They placed blame so heavy that my heart sank and voice became silent.

My close friend describes this as the darkest state of my life.

I wish I could say it only lasted for a minute but for an entire year, my body would cringe around any man who looked the way he did.

My heart was so heavy with all the men who didn’t respect my boundaries.

It’s no wonder when I thought of a future I couldn’t see one.

I write this not to glorify the pain but to show you the beauty of the God we serve.

My God is so patient that his grace, patience and kindness is gently leading me into love.

My pastor simply prayed over me that I, Gods daughter would embrace the new life he has for me.

I didn’t disclose any of this information to her about my experience with being taken advantage of.

But on multiple occasions, people have commented on my character because of the God in me.

I was once told the spirit of the Lord became stronger when I walked into the room.

In my dismay, I felt alone but I really wasn’t.

I get this image of looking at our circumstances and being so discouraged.

Well our God is looking and work at the most vital part of who we are.

God was working on my heart so that in the long run I wouldn’t be discouraged.

I remember when I was told that the spirit of the Lord became stronger when I walked into the room.

I cried because I felt his protection even though things outwardly didn’t seem pleasant my heart still belongs to him.

We all have something we are meant to rediscover.

The reality is that our God never leaves us.

When we look outside at external he is looking at internals because he knows that matters.

Isaiah 40:31 … But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear. for I am with you; do not be dismayed, For I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I love how in the two scriptures mentioned above the Lord is looking at renewing strength. Because we aren’t mean to grow weary or to live in fear.

Sometimes when bad things happen we look at the outside and focus on only that. When we rediscover truth it’s allowing God to bring peace and clarity to your identity.

You see I was never alone. But I believed it.

I was never afraid but I believed that too.

Today God has redefined and is defining my every step and thought.

I do see a future now, but in order for me to see that I had to give God access.

My Prayer myself and others is that even though life isn’t always great our God is. I pray that we let him in more and more so that he can heal and restore. Every part that feels broken and unloveable. My prayer is that we as a God seeking generation seek God underneath it all and through it. I love you God and I trust you even when I can’t see what you are doing. And for whoever reads this I pray that you understand God more fully, more genuinely I pray whatever lie you believe that God brings LIGHT to that. That chains be broken and hearts be restored in the name of Jesus. Amen.

I love you guys but God loves you more.

Where did it come from?

I believe one of the hardest things for us humans to control is our emotions.

How we feel in turn affects how we think, which affects our actions.

Out of nowhere, we can find ourselves in this “questionable state.”

That’s a really scary feeling but this post is meant to bring awareness to fragileness of our mind and hearts and give us a solution to the issue.

As a young believer not having control of our emotions can bring us to a state of doublemindedness.

I used to be afraid of that word because anytime I read it or it was mentioned in a service I almost immediately felt guilty and unworthy.

Recently, I started to hear the word again.

Realizing my response to it had changed.

As a new believer feeling like this can really steer you away from the power of God.

Originally, my response to those feelings would simply be to shut down and close my heart from receiving anything God had to show me.

At church tonight we closed off our series titled “it ain’t cute no more…acting like a baby.”

I mention this because though I didn’t realize it this connects to what God put on my heart to share, it is 100% accurate.

Let me break it down.

The word challenges me and my thoughts.

When I hear the word it challenges my mind, my perspective, and my way.

Depending on where you at when you hear the word, it could stir something up in you.

The intention is that it stirs you up in a way that draws you nearer to him.

But being human we struggle with this.

Know the struggle is real and HE wants you to need him…

Needing him actually draws you deeper and gives you a fuller understanding of who you are in HIM.

Which in turn gives you your true identity, not the one that tells you…. you’ll never be enough.

Yes it calls you out of your place of comfort and complacency and calls you into a PURPOSE.

You see hearing the word is meant to bring clarity into our lives, not confusion.

Acting like a baby is sitting in this place of condemnation and not grace.

Hearing the word with condemnation in the back of your mind can really mess up the message and the intent in which it is given.

Which is to restore hope.

HE challenges us so we can grow in HIM.

In those moments when I felt guilty and unworthy, I never challenged it.

Maybe I didn’t feel strong enough at the time.

I honestly felt like I had no chance.

You see somewhere along the line we are taught that we are not enough…

Our God though is so awesome that he sticks with us through it all.

I remember challenging my doublemindedness…

I felt like a crazy fool, to be honest.

But what I realize today is that I was in a battle for my mind and peace.

Today,  when I feel like that I seriously push into the feeling and unravel the lie that I believed and I give it to God.

Because I don’t know what to do with it.

What I noticed is it doesn’t last as long when I surrender and use the power that God entrusted me and you with.

I’ve learned that in those feelings of discomfort I am only asked to seek him.

I love that HE IS so accessible not just sometimes but all the time.

Please remember that HE will always love you.

And that loving you means that HE will never leave you.

Your emotions do not run you and neither does your mind.

If you are struggling with your mind and emotions bring it to HIM.

Fully dig deeper with him and find the root of the feeling.

HE will know how to help you through that emotion, feeing and moment.

If you need further help please free to do more than just read this post.

I would love to pray with anyone who needs it.

Don’t accept anything that makes you feel alone because that is not HIS intention.


Permission to Fight

I am trying to recall the time I needed permission to do something.

I believe I was eight years old.

I wanted to camp with my grandma up in Silverwood Lake.

I wouldn’t take no for answer.

If you ask my mom and my grandma they will tell you how that story ended.

Reflectively, I should have taken the answer my mother gave me.

I was young though and I had a lot of fight in me.

Though I am not trying to endorse children not listening to their parents or caregivers.

I do admire something about little children and their adamancy about getting permission.

Just the other day my nephew nearly interrupted an entire graduation ceremony asking for tea.

I had no idea that he had the ability to project his voice as loud as he did.

Long story short my mom gave in and gave him tea instead of water.

I learned a couple of things from the younger version of me and my nephew.

The first being, if it is something you want, fight for it.

I feel that fight is super important when it comes to seeing results.

Knowing which direction I am taking this post I decided to look up some synonyms for  fight…

my top three were: to persist, to declare, and to plead for.

Giving myself permission to fight is a big thing in my walk with God.

To persist means that even when it gets difficult you keep going.

James 1:12 states, that those who stand the test will be blessed for they have endured.

The scripture also reveals the heart of why we continue to endure despite the trials.

To be blessed means to receive the Lords favor.

His favor wouldn’t mean anything if he didn’t mean anything to us.

It’s important to understand that HE is the reason we fight.

To declare means to proclaim, to reveal, and to bring into the open.

I love this and the best example I could think of is the book of Genesis.

I say the book because even the word Genesis means to form and begin.

So many things began in Genesis because God declared and spoke it into existence.

In the message version of Genesis 1, God created what today we know as heaven and earth.

He took what was nothing and made it into something.

He spoke light and light appeared.

Even more so, what God declared he was.

God is light.

God spoke so many things in the book of Genesis.

He spoke us into existence.

The beauty is that even in Genesis where God declares he also reveals.

In Genesis 1:26-28,

God spoke: “let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature So they can be responsible for the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, the cattle, and, yes, the earth itself, and every animal that moves the face of the earth.” God created human beings; he created them godlike, reflecting God’s nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them: “Prosper! reproduce! Fill Earth! Take Charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air, for every living thing that moves on the face of the Earth.”

That is so powerful. God declared so much of us from the beginning. When you give yourself permission to fight, you’re giving yourself permission to fight not only for a purpose but his purpose.

In Genesis he places this huge trust in us he empowers us with the ability to declare.

This brings us to the last synonym selected for this post.

To plead for a synonym for plead is proclaim

God later revealed why proclaim stood out

Proclaim comes from the Latin word proclamare which means to cry out.

What is the connection between giving yourself permission to fight and crying out?

I remember times in my life and in the bible where a single cry was the preface of a life altering change

In Psalm 130, the author begins the chapter with a cry out of the depths.

I love this illustration because the author knew what a cry meant.

There are two ways to look at the word cry one is as a noun the other as a verb.

As a noun cry can be defined as a shout or scream filled with a powerful emotion or feeling.

As a verb cry can an be expression of emotion .

When we cry out to the Lord we are proclaiming with great emotion and power that we NEED him.

What we need from him varies by the season we are in.

Notice I used the word need not want.

The author of Psalm 130 NEEDS and KNOWS that GOD will hear his cry.

He acknowledges that he may have to wait but that when he waits his whole being would wait.

The concept of waiting generally means to delay until something happens.

But this scripture actually gives us a different understanding of waiting.

While David waited for the Lord he didn’t wait in idle but instead he waited in the presence of the Lord.

Putting his hope in His word.

His cry even in his own struggle and fight was that Israel would put their hope in the unfailing love of Lord, and they will receive redemption.

Giving yourself permission to fight is about building your life in the promise that even though life isn’t alway perfect and neither are we… we serve a God who loves.

I think sometimes we carry so much of the world in us we forget how to fight.

We forget how to keep walking in purpose.

We need to fight just to find out why we feel HE doesn’t love us or forgive us.

We need to fight to accept our identity in HIM.

We need to declare a new creation and not just declare but walk in a new mind and new heart.

One that cry out for HIM in everything through everything.

I can see why we struggle to fight but fighting in this aspect increases faith it gives you evidence that our God can and does fight with us and for us.

Romans 10:13 reads

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

Let us call out to him until something happens.

Let’s fight to believe, let’s persist and endure in all things.

You’re the Only One

Last May, I wrote a post titled  the greatest love letter of my life in it I ended with the following

If I could give you one thing to replace all the many things it would be a mirror so you can truly see what it is you look like .

At the time I had no idea what I looked like.

I wrote that only a few short months after I decided that I had no hope.

I remember sitting at a coffee shop a lot like the one I am sitting at right now telling God that if he didn’t do something I would be “done.” No plan for a future whatsoever.

I use the word done to describe the place and state of mind I was at, but it might be downplaying the state of hopeless my heart was in.

I had no emotion, no connection to people or to life.

I didn’t share that with anyone either.

I sat with that feeling, but internally I might have been more afraid than I let on to be.

I have never felt so disengaged in my life.

I also didn’t realize at the time I gave God the power to take over my life.

At the time I had no plans for the future

Luckily God did…

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


I asked God in the middle my struggle to do something because I couldn’t do anything.

The reality is I’ve learned that God does not give his heart in pieces.

I still have no idea where it is God is taking me but today he has taken me to this moment to reflect and share that he is there in it all, and through it all.

I can’t possibly express in one post all that he has done in this time. He has tested me and given me obedience. In ways I couldn’t possibly have imagined.

Finding Love

I’m beginning to learn who I am and more each day .

You know it really wasn’t until I started reading the Bible that I truly began to find freedom.

Throughout the day I find myself asking God to search my heart .

I find myself asking why am I so quick to emotions .

Honestly I’ve just been asking for a lot of guidance lately.

As I am doing this God is revealing more and more about my heart to me.

I never would have thought that my heart would be healed and my mind would be renewed .

I mean that’s what happens when you pray.

I prayed so much and I don’t even think I believed wholeheartedly that it would be done .

Yet, with that mustard seed faith he came through .

Today I am a believer because thats who he made me to be.

He gave me his all when I was reluctant to pursue him .

He stayed faithfully and I need to do the same .

He has firmly grounded me and makes me unshakable .

He has made me optimistic and eager to serve him.

He has held me close and comforted me in my pain .

I fall in love with him more and more each day .

Finding him wasn’t and isn’t easy.

I constantly have these moments where I wrestle with the truth and the lies.

In those moments I continue to press into him because he is where I put my trust and my faith.

You see God does so much for us if we ask him.

If we stay at the same level of asking him though we won’t grow.

I’m asking God to go to places I’ve never welcomed anyone Before .

I know that’s a dangerous prayer , but I don’t want to live a life where my faith doesn’t grow.

He has rewired so much within me I need to continue to grow with him.

Time and time again I have to remind myself not to compare the pace in which I am building my relationship with Christ to other people relationship with him.

I’ve come to understand that due to the fact that we all have different experiences in life we will all have a different relationship with God.

The beauty in knowing that is knowing that he will meet us where we are at.

That’s comforting.

I think being honest is the hardest part about it all but if we aren’t honest then we are ashamed.

Shame is such an interesting topic but for now to say the least if we are ashamed we are not living in love.

And the biggest thing about your relationship with God is the foundation is love, patience and kindness.

When we begin the realize that.

We are truly letting him into uncharted territory.

Brace yourself for a life of love.

Rewired: Give yourself permission to fall in love.

Giving God permission is not for God it’s for you.

I have to ask myself where do I begin and I believe that we need to begin with permission slips.

Yes, I’m taking us back to elementary school here but the truth is we don’t invite God in enough.

Let me say that once more…

We don’t invite God in enough.

I can recall moments throughout 2018, where I could have drawn closer to God but instead, I withdrew completely.

Though, I needed him I choose differently.

Reflecting on that now, I believe it was out of fear that I didn’t choose him.

Interestingly, out of fear we should choose him.

I say that because I am afraid of what life looks like without him.

I know that without him I am not a lot of things but because of him I have love, strength, purpose, hope, faith, and a direction.

Not choosing him time after time left me feeling completely shattered desperately searching for something tangible.

I was searching in all the wrong places still feeling empty in the end.

I always felt alone.

My heart was closed off.

I loved people more than I loved myself.

I loved people more than I loved God.

I spoke to people more than I spoke to God.

Clearly, my hope and my faith were not in God but in man.

This was a big realization for me and I believe that in my walk with Christ this insight will help me check not only my motives but my emotions.

What does giving God permission to look like for a believer?

For a person who is lost without direction.

For a person who believes they are broken beyond repair.

For a person who constantly feels like they are less than or inadequate.

For a person who feels left out more than they feel included.

Giving God permission is the equivalent to…

Giving yourself permission to find direction, to be healed, to know you are enough, and to belong.

What I am describing is not some utopian type world but it’s the life you choose when you choose to give God complete access.

Which really means Giving yourself permission to put God first to grant him complete access to your mind, body, and spirit.

I say this often times in my groups, as a peer counselor… I never challenge anyone to go anywhere that I have never been.

A part of my rewiring process had to do with intentionally asking God to come into those places that I was the most afraid of restoration.

As I was worshiping this last Friday I had this image of God carrying me from 2018 to 2019. I began to tear up a bit.

You see last year I would often find myself going to a place that I didn’t belong after services.

I would have this back-and-forth conversation with God like I hear you, but I’m still going to do what I want to do anyway.

I gave myself permission to do things that didn’t align with my heart.

At the end that hurt me the most.

I was always disappointed in myself.

Every time I chose my way I would in inadvertently reinforce the belief system that made me feel so less than and not good enough.

That same belief system made me believe that God would never be able to make me whole, joyful, or peaceful.

I would never be enough.

I would never belong.

I would never truly believe because if I did why did I keep choosing a life that didn’t align with my heart.

In 2018, I asked God to come in my heart more.

The conversation wasn’t simple either.

I didn’t just say Dear God, Please come into my heart Amen.

That wasn’t real to me.

It wasn’t deep enough for me.

I needed to press into God.

These areas I needed him to come into were broken for years now a two-second prayer wouldn’t do it for me…

He is able to do anything and that prayer would work…

But for me I needed something real, I needed something deeper.

I needed to go where I was afraid with him.

God carried me into the new year saying that life is not yours.

I cried because I saw him carry me away from the life I once lived.

The same life that made me hopeless.

He carried me away from a broken road and gave me love, joy, hope, purpose to say the least.

My life has direction.

I seek him daily and I am working on seeking him more in daily moments.

I noticed that for me in order to have a breakthrough I need to intentionally invite God into the places I am afraid of.

Once again getting rewired is really about allowing God to create a new in you.

Just a warning…It requires us to fall in love. Give yourself permission to be loved and made whole. Stay the course and allow him to do the navigating. But speak to him. Press in deep enough for a longlasting connection. Don’t be superficial he wants more for us than fake connection. Allow for real intimacy with him. Invite him in.