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Stolen Moments

I looked forward to you all week.

But you rob me of my moments

And your timing sucks all my energy away

You leave me laying in bed.

Despite my best efforts to leave you make me stay.

My body curled up , head burrowed into my arms.

I fall asleep yet again with a heavy heart.

Feelings of loneliness hit my throughout the day.

I try to push through it but often times that version of me is clearly in auto-pilot not capturing anything you said.

Trying to maintain I push myself through it . Losing my sense of self along the way.

I forget to be mindful which robs me of the present.

Falling short of unrealistic expectations that you’d just go away.

It’s okay for me to reflect in this way.

Because empowered minds see.

They see the light, they see their strength.

They see they are able to despite the pain .

Part 2: Be Still

Clock Gears 01_preview1

My life is always on the go. It’s my profession and honestly my way of life. This morning as I rose. I heard the words be still.

I know exactly where these words came from.

When I heard them I told God I didn’t know how to be still.

I tossed and turned wanting to obey what God put on my heart to do.

I thought how still do you want me to be? Do I miss church to be still? How long does it take for me to be still? Lost in the thoughts I realized I wasn’t being as he asked me to be.

Tossing and turning a little bit more. The gears stopped.

When I was called out of the stillness. I sat in appreciation to what was the first moment I felt everything had stopped.

For those of you who know me or read the blogs you’ll know I have a disorder which makes it to that 10,000 rapid thoughts fill my mind within moments.

So the stillness was refreshing.

For the first time in a long time the gears in my head stopped moving.

This wasn’t something I needed to do, or even wanted to do. It was something that just was.

My pastor gave an awesome message today on the Holy Spirit.

In that message he talked about the do’ers who constantly well do.

He cautioned them to not plan for God, but to be obedient of his calling.

This portion of the sermon among others resonated with me. I learned a valuable lesson today.

Stop and listen. God will take the lead in everything we need to do if we just are as he calls us to be in his presence. He also mentioned the story of Jonah which I just finished reading not that long ago.

Jonah ran away from God’s will and a lot happened as a result of that.

God had a dialogue with Jonah that questioned the way he was living (always on the run from God’s calling.) When we are not as he calls us to be we might just miss what he is doing.

I wonder how this morning would have gone. If I just heard be still and got up anyways. If I had written off his calling as my own thoughts and needs to rest. Would I have missed the opportunity to just be in presence.

Being still looks different for everyone but  is vital for the renewing of our mind.  S

Stillness results in peace, love, guidance.

Out thoughts results in leaning on our own understanding and not that of God’s

Being still allows us to take his guidance and use his wisdom with daily choices.

 

Challenge this week.
Listen to God in moments when he calls you to be still #justdoit just be.

How to serve God

I sat in heavy meditation today wondering if I was a Mary or a Martha. This is a question I’ve always asked myself since first hearing about them. First my middle name is Martha so I can’t help like feel as if I was destined to be a Martha. I know my relationship with God calls to be a Mary yet , that’s super hard for me at times. Martha is a servant but grows weary and irritable she allows the actions of others to upset her. While Mary simply sits in the Lords presence and builds a relationship with him. There’s something amazing to learn from Mary who sits in the Lords presence. Sometimes we need to be still to be reminded how God works in our lives. The stillness could be uncomfortable for the Martha’s of the world yet in order to be an effective Martha we need to be a Mary so that everything we do glorifies God. He wants to pour into us and we need to slow down long enough to appreciate that. Martha opened her home to Jesus but she kept her heart busy. A busy heart is a risky heart because it runs the risk of not experiencing all the greatest the Lord has to offer. In another post I wrote that self love is self care and that it shouldn’t be task . In this scripture God calls us not to busy but to just be . Being in God’s presence shouldn’t be a task but sometimes we may feel or think like that … I need to read my Bible 5 times a day… it begins to feel like a task that we can’t fully appreciate because we are looking at it the wrong way . I starting reading Psalms and wanted to get through it in a day. I realized by trying to get through it I missed what God had to show me. I began reading piece by piece over and over again meditating on the meaning. It’s not about how fast you can finish the Bible but more so how you could incorporate its teachings into your daily life.

As I was preparing to share the deepest parts of me I decided to only share what I was comfortable with. So many of us go through life feeling misunderstood,alone, and broken. My hearts heavy for that hurt. Maybe because it’s my own too. Last week I gave a talk about suicide but I wanted to edit my story. A kind person told me that with God you stop caring what other people think of you. I thought about this and wasn’t too sure what I would do with it. I was still very reluctant to share that part of me. My friends, my family, my co-workers would be there I didn’t want them to know how recent my struggles are. I ended up showing up that night with all of me. Not just the deepest parts but the goofy ones and the ones who say ummm and like a little too much. When I was speaking up there to what had to be over 70 people, I was initially nervous. However at some point (after prayer) a calmness entered me and allowed me to just be present. It’s interesting to me that I had this struggle. To disclose or not to disclose. But letting people in opened up something entirely new . Before that day, I walked as if I ALWAYS had to be strong, I HAD to have it together , and I CAN’T let anyone see me struggling. I get this image of walking like a ballerina on her tiptoes 24/7 imagine how hard that would be. Even walking in them for shorts amount of time opens them up to excruciating pain. Hmm had I been walking with that much pain when it wasn’t necessary? I believe so. I know something big changed since I began developing the sermon. I went through books and books trying to find the right story. Only to land in Jonah and thoughts . God was with him in all his irrational thoughts and behaviors. That’s what I focused on that night. God being present and helping Jonah battle his mind. At the beginning of church I decided to pray and ask God that I be present and he be present with me, to be open and honest. That allowed all of me show up. I’m not sure entirely what you will get out of this blog. I hope it’s the ability to understand that you are not alone, there is a community who loves you, and that I’ve been where you are only wanting to share what you’re comfortable with.I’ve learned how only sharing parts of me was due to a hint of shame. I learned how showing up and being present gives shame no power. So I’ll be present, because I’m not walking alone. However acknowledge the truth this is a process not a destination. Like Jonah we can’t control what’s around us but we can control who’s with us. Love you guys

The greatest love letter of my life

I’ve wrote you many times before but never truly in the manner you deserved.

I realize this now because I fear that If I don’t I might loose you, for good.

Over the years I’ve questioned your God, because I was afraid that he might change you.

For some reason I was never really ready for that change.

I questioned your worth in school, work and relationships .

Because if you lost it all, at least I could tell you I saw it coming.

I wish that mentality wasn’t what we built our relationship off of but it was.

I gave you false comfort and understanding when you trusted that my perspective was right.

I normalized a lot for you which is why I see you struggling with life, love, God.

But for some reason I don’t think it’s too late.

You see somethings still remain true despite the lies I feed you .

You’re a fighter even when I tried to break you down you fought back.

It’s why you question everything and see the beauty in everyone.

If I could give you one thing to replace all the many things it would be a mirror so you can truly see what it is you look like .