I cried until I laughed because I was so uncomfortable with that moment.
In that moment I knew I was a mess, I knew I was broken and honestly it was something to laugh about because for so long I tried to fix that. I’m some what of an emotion perfectionist (pretty sure it’s not a word, so don’t look it up). You see what an emotion perfectionist tends to do is manipulate their emotions. The tricky thing about emotion perfectionist is they feel that because they know what the emotion is they should be able to fix it. I’ve been doing this for years now. If I had to describe my emotion cycle into phases it would look a little something like this:
Phase 1: Survival Mode, there’s not really time for emotions.
Phase 2: Oh Crap, I have emotions.
Phase 3: Emotions hurt, I need to figure things out.
Phase 4: Is there an off switch? Or an answer key.
Phase 5: but wait, there’s help if you ask for it.
There’s probably a warning sign that comes with this phase cycle. Warning: phases may occur all at once or not at all in a short matter of time. I went through Phase 3, 4, 5 in the span of two days and normally I would try to control even that detail. What I realized throughout the cycle is that over time who I asked for help changed. Before and still at times I used to lean on others and that’s okay but if your comfort comes from others alone then it won’t be a long-term solution (no offense). To be honest I also think that’s were a lot of my pain stems from. As a child I always felt left out, unloved, abandoned, and not worthy. Multiple aspects of my life deeply embedded that into my viewpoint. When I became a believer and follower of Christ, I doubted that he would be able to heal me. It hurt so much to worship because I believed I wasn’t worthy of it. But still he stood by me the entire time.
At church this morning our pastor talked about what love is… and as a note I put why does it hurt to love people so much… it’s because I didn’t feel the love I give to others and at times that could be hard… In the hours to come, I felt his warm powerful embrace.
Today I cried, a lot but it was more because he broke down a wall that’s never been broken. I laughed because when I felt his love and hope even in my brokenness, I felt like he was saying it’s about time.It was a beautiful moment filled laughter and release of so much hurt built up from all these years. I knew it was because he really wanted me to feel his presence and he didn’t want it to be a sad thing he just wanted it to be intimate. I love a good laugh and a good cry.
I also saw this scripture today on the sweater of a woman that I felt I had to look up.
Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV)
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.